13 July 2009

Best of ADRIFT Forum Spam #2

Continuing to go over this spam as it assaults the ADRIFT Forum...

Dishonorable mention to the following chain of messages from one post earlier in the day (12 July 2009)...

how to get free porn

Thanks, but I already have the internet. Might as well put an ad like “how to watch free commercials every five minutes” on television.

saved by the bell porn

Another strange Rule 34 moment I didn’t need in my life. It might sound blasphemous to some, but really I barely remember that show. High school was never like anything on TV, anyway.

new zealand penpals
Out of far left field. Way to complete the list.

Tonight's list comes from a post later at night, by Agobbyino (if you're a mod, can you ban these people?).

Subject line: "We breed poodles and shih tzus alabama"… which obviously means the whole thing was about hotels, porn, and diseases.

1) Historic spell hotels, a complete innovator

Innovator? That’s a bit of a stretch! I mean, wizards have pretty much had hotels since Leomund learned to cast tiny huts. It’s only a third level spell.

2) North-central Wildwood, NJ 08260

Besides hotels, a big theme in this particular post was Wildwood New Jersey. I don’t know why. Maybe one of our spammer friends is sending us a desperate, self-addressed S.O.S. If I ever end up in Wildwood, though, I’ll probably want to avoid any local hotels out of spite. Also, I’d tear it up at skeeball or die trying.

3) New Global raptorial bird Traveler

Our old friend the raptor made a cameo appearance in this one (falsely claiming to be new), this time escorting people around the world. Too bad it was just more nonsense used to fill out the post. Seriously, I’d pay for that ride.

4) Hotels.com offers disproportionate revenue enhancement...Hotels.com offers enormous tax

A curious juxtaposition that makes me think euphemism/real meaning. Nothing against hotels.com, they were just the object of the spam message.

5) Conurbation Conjugal

Props to this spammer for making me look up “conurbation.” Unfortunately, upon looking it up I realised this was just another way of talking about a ginormous orgy, so anti-props for falling back on the porno spam cliché. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if some band has already taken this name.

6) Trylon Tourist trial/Trylon Tourist committee

This one interested me particularly because it seemed to be the only element even remotely related to ADRIFT. The recent AIF Minicomp featured an ADRIFT game based on Battlestar Galactica which used “Trylon” as a way of getting around the (probably very copyrighted) term “Cylon.” I didn’t finish that particular one because some of it seemed off-colour to me-- to put it lightly-- although its author assures me none of those commands are necessary to win the game.

But it turns out Trylon’s also a hotel (so no surprise).

7) Get physical object on European nation

It is not clear which European nation you are referring to.

>get physical object on Germany

You take the physical object from the Germany. The bulldog growls at you.

>throw bone at bulldog

The bulldog is more interested in eating you.

****YOU HAVE DIED!****

...man, I hate that game.

8) a full-clad measuring device

A yardstick in plate mail.

11 July 2009

My Favourite Spam Phrases Thus Far

Lately, the ADRIFT forum has been hit with a lot of ugly spam that no-one wants to read. I figured we might as well try to have fun with it while the problem is still around, so... without further ado, here are some of my favourite phrases I've picked out from the spam. Feel free to add your own... let's see what oddities we can pull out (I hope nobody gets any ideas for a Spam Comp)!

1) The Initial Prices and a Jampack abounding Search
I think that might have been one of the garage bands that popped up at my high school (actually, it would've had to be "Jampack abounding Search and the Initial Prices" because the star always comes first, followed by the). Come to think of it, just about anything a spammer says could make a good band name. I mean, check out the rest of these...

2) coupon bonefish
I don't know what you think of when you read "coupon bonefish," but I think of three possibilities. One is a coupon with a fish bone on it, possibly used at a fish market by a starving street cat. The second is a disparaging or dark-spirited poetic experiment attacking capitalism (not any specific one, but just the vague idea of one). And then I think of a desperate spammer trying to think up a few last words.

3) Language the Blustery Vertebrate of prey
Oho! Indeed, language is a blustery vertebrate of prey... a bird, even. It's like someone stuck Noam Chomsky and Alan Ginsberg in a blender.

4) Reading the Bare Vertebrate of prey
Really, this spammer had a lot to say about "vertebrates" and things "of prey." I liked the first bits about them, but they just got repetitious & stale after a while. Still, I suppose it was better than some of the other choice phrases about Airsoft guns and various diseases.

5) Godforsaken Raptorial craniate
It's forceful, but vague enough to be just about anything. Anything evil. With a cranium.

6) Chawbacon!
Word of the day. Good thing there's only like 10 minutes left in my day.